THE ALBUM

This isn’t something that’s easy to talk about for me and this album, even tho it’s not finished production, has been an escape from confrontation and sometimes I think, acceptance of just what went down after my Seperation from my sex-crazed still married to ex(notyet) husband. I don’t know how to make that any easier to understand without writing another bible length article about it.

Go easy on the tracks as they are just self-mixed and recorded, some of them literally first take. Or sitting down in my apartment and drinking coke lol. You can actually find a burp in I Live For Me LOL. I recorded and mixed them myself first before any actual recording at studios. Apologies for these rough versions but at least they’re raw. 

But here’s not the place for that, I have a personal blog as well on Ameba where I talk about personal issues and complain a whole shit ton, so if that’s more of your style feel free to check that out. 

I’m officially taking some time from finishing post-production because I’m just not in the right state of mind to finish right now, and because honestly, although the music for me, in my vision of what the finished product shall sound like, will be pretty good, but it’s super important to me as well thag it’s done right and it’s soemthing I take time with and not just rush through.

The majority of the demos you’ll hear on this domain are just like either a first take, a first take after writing lyrics and singing through a bit, or just like a few practices and then I’ll get more distracted by the whole mixing process. 

The goal with this was to actually get it as close to decent sounding of a mix as I could. I’m not super skillful at mixing or anything, obv. In the future I’m gonna considering sound school. But I wanted to have something that was like, half presentable. A lot of the times like you don’t realize tho you’ll get so into a mix you’ll spend days or weeks on 3 minutes of audio, obsess over it, get sick of your own mix, and then probably end up making it worse then the initial take. I definitely like, over processed some things too. 

For equipment, the earlier stuff is just like, a Yeti Mic. Gotta start somewhere lol. The majority is recorded using A Rode K2, in combo with Steinberg UR22i audio unit, and then basically Logic Pro, soundtoys, waves etc. m
What I do Want to do is make this blunt, provide some intros into some of the songs in general, more so for me at least. And also to try and make some of this relatable as what I created music about was one of the most emotionally stressful and still is, but also physically stressful for reasons I’ll get into in a bit. This is my record for me that I’m still here and I’m going to be in the long hual, hopefully, better off. So without delaying and rambling on more, here’s the current working track list and a intro into the album.


☊ I LIVE FOR ME

Kesen

ISRC: CAIFA1800001

04:20

This is the main title song for the album because the lyrics are the most blunt and honest to the way I feel about things. During the almost two and a half years I took to work on this album, I also learned a lot about myself. And honestly if I didn’t concentrate on this, I would have killed myself long before. Thankfully I’m not in that place anymore. The song is about looking back on the end of the relationship, or any relationship really for anyone who’s come out of some kind of manipulative or emotionally abusive relationship, kudos to you for getting away from that, and in the future it will get better. 

Thinking back now
You might have thought you broke me
You must have laughed until you cried
Thinking I’d fade without a fight


I couldn’t relate 
I couldn’t accept the life you live
I wouldn’t keep quiet 
You couldn’t accept that


I’m thinking back now 
I’m standing somehow
All of the things you promised me
I knew they weren’t real
They’re made believe


I guess I’ll live a little longer
Now that this weights all of my shoulders
You broke my bone but still I’m soaring
These tears they never had me worried


So take it all before now as you go 
There’s nothing left to say cause once I soar
I’m not spending one more day
Or taking blame for your own mistakes


So thank you for the memories that we chased
I almost gave up what was best for me
So I guess I should wish you well but
Go to hell cause I live for me


So thinking back now
I don’t know what I really saw
In someone who’d build me up
Just to laugh as I would fall
To give up myself 
So you could be happy in your skin
There’s not enough love inside this kid
To make right what you did wrong my friend 


And now I don’t care
If you’re feeling lonely call your friends
See if you can convince them
Life isn’t worth it


I’m thinking back now
Still standing somehow 
All of shit you said to me 
It couldn’t mean less I’m out of reach 


So take it all before now as you go 
There’s nothing left to say cause once I soar
I’m not spending one more day
Or taking blame for your own mistakes


So thank you for the memories that we chased
I almost gave up what was best for me
So I guess I should wish you well but
Go to hell cause I live for me

☊ SAN,ER,YI

Kesen/ Freek Van Workum
ISRC: CAIFA1800002

Intially I wasn’t going to keep this track because it’s quite on the vulgar side in some parts, but it’s also so raw and just confronts the whole issue head on instead of through different plays on words and shit. 

Actually i was more like 100,200,300 lol. So in case it’s not crystal clear, imma make it lol. I’ve spent the last ten years of my life in Japan, Taiwan and China. During times I’d be in Taiwan for school and W in China for work at Greenconn.

W. Let’s just call him that for now, was evidently very good at hiding the fact that while we were in a persumeably monogamous relationship, he’s was in China paying minors for sex, actually paying anyone for sex irregardless of the age.

This song is really about the disgust upon realizing that I didn’t even have a remotely solid understanding of just who he was, what kind of person he was and how long this was going on. 

I’m outspoken always really except that relationship, I literally felt helpless if he were to leave and I don’t understand why, but I won’t allow myself to be in a relationship where it’s like that anymore. After finding this out and receiving more or less a scolding upon getting upset about it, I chose to report him. I don’t care who you are to me, but you obviously had no care for those kids, and you didn’t give a shit about me. You chased around cock like you couldn’t get enough of it and it was and still most likely happens to be, your single most motivating aspect in your life. 

Whether that’s false nationalities, ages, and pictures on gay apps, or paying kids not even outta junior high school for sex, Willy did it. The effect that it had on me after we finally separated which wasn’t until almost two years later, I didn’t realize sound effect me so much. My confidence is completely gone, I’m not interested in sex anymore. I obsessed constantly in that relationship what my partner was doing and just wanting to know the truth.

Moving forward with this track on the album really assures to myself that this isn’t just some therapy track I’ll keep to myself and just let the truth slide. Hell no. This is what happened and that’s that. Moving on.

What the Fuck like
Who do you think you are?
Chasing cock like
It’s going outta style
Spending dollars on this
Spending dollars 
Cold hard cash


See that you work hard
For your money
Make mama proud with all this money
Money make a man
Mother-fu**er got a plan
Spending all this cash
Spending all this cash
San er
Money make a man
San er 
Money make a man


San er yi
San er yi
San er yi
Calling out the streets
Calling out a cheat


CAD, USD, NTD
Monies from around the world
Walk up to these boys in the club
And asking em like
Do you wanna peice of Willy Wonkas bubblegum?
No.

Cause when you’ve got it all
You’ve gotta spend it baby
Did you actually think you’d silence me
From calling out your truths
Money might have bought you everything
But I’m not that kinda dude

☊ THE THINGS YOU DO

ISRC: CAIFA1800003
The Things You Do is really about saying thank you for those things that you did do for me, for sometimes really caring. But somehow along the way it became like, about money like as if I wanted or needed that. Since China, everything changed. It was like, we were already at that point so detached; almost impersonal. I remember like him just using my picture on apps to get guys to come over for threesomes and then basically having sex with them and then being like Chris he’s tired I’m tired too. Like as if I wanted to be having threesomes anyways. 

And the time in Hong Kong, when he just pushed me to have someone over and when I said I didn’t want to it’s like, he got so upset and threw shit everywhere. This was supposed to be like a vacation with my Mom who I’ve seen like twice in six years living in Taiwan now. It was always like that, like I couldn’t ever just enjoy a moment with my family or friends out of fear that he’d be the slightest bit upset over something, it was like this constant anxiety that I’d rock the boat and he’d leave me. I don’t know why that was such a threat.  

So it’s like, thank you for the things you did do. But that’s not enough and that’s not enough to make up for the things you’ve done that belittled or traumatized me honestly. And to just throw the ring after finding out your actions lead us both to be positive, like I had done something to you for you to have that kind of dramatic exit? I don’t even get it. But thanks, thanks for what you did either way because it’s taught me that I deserve better.

☊ DEADBEAT

ISRC: CAIFA1800011

This song is really about the dynamics of the relationship and what it means to come to terms with the relationship being just that, and that.

I bet you’re feeling nice and cozy, up on that pedestal you claimed. But don’t you go and get too comfy, cause there’s no way, no way in hell I’d look up to you.

☊ VICTIM

Kesen/FreekVanWorkum

ISRC: CAIFA1800004

Actually this song turned out better then I thought, I mean the actual finished version and not the demo upload I have in MQube haha. Also not much to describe about this one. 

When everything came out post W going to Europe on a business trip which was just so important that his parents couldn’t bring him home from, despite the fact he was HIV positive, on apps every night and disclosing to no one, going to sex parties and brothels again, chasing cock like it was going outta style, and literally the man is such a liar that after he came back from Europe, although prior to that he’d already been excempted from military duty in Taiwan because he had HIV, he denied everything when he came back. 

Still to this day, two years later and god knows how many more partners and his current one has been told and believes Willy doesn’t have HIV. Once you have HIV, you have it for life and it changes your life.

You can play the victim, hoping it’ll save ya that they’ll never find out bout the truth. Go call your mama you go call your maid.

That’s like what kind of person he was. If you got in the way of his cock chasing. Your blacklisted. Everyone turned against me and despite it being me trying to get him help and on meds, calling his family to try and stop what he was doing, and then assuring me it would be fine, I never saw him again after Europe, I taught his mom English for years when I first came to Taiwan’s and lived in their house.

 His family was literally like my second family and I have so many memories of them, how can I not? I have no family here. That was one of the hardest parts for me. More then my spouse, Fuck Willy lol. I’ll always remember them , the first time the doors in the airport opened when we got in Taiwan, the crazy heat on your face, dinners with his family. It’s a shame that happened.

But like I wrote, play the victim, hoping it’ll save ya. Unfortunately for you the truth always comes out. And people who do things like you will always slip up again and again. 

You’ve been saying things you know ain’t true 
You keep doing what you have to do
And I will never have a word to say
Cause you’ll know just what we had
When it’s gone

You can play the victim
Hoping it’ll save ya
That they’ll never find out 
Bout the truth
God knows they’ll believe ya
You’re the best deciva 
Ain’t nobody knows ya
Like I do

Fools, fools 
You can play the victim
Throwing round your problems
When you gonna see the problems you


☊ DIFFERENT KIND OF LOVE

Kesen/Freek Van Workum
CAIFA1800017
This song is kinda of a play on what W thinks love is, or what “love” has evolved to within a lot of members of the gay community. When I first recorded it I was just like, damn this sounds so slutty. So it must be accurate haha. 
03:38

☊ LOVE MADE ME DO IT

CAIFA1800010

What made me stay? That’s what this song is about really, a reflection of just how much someone will sacrifice for someone else and the draining effect that has on you afterwards.


☊ WHEN I GO

ISRC: CAIFA1800005
Duration: PT00H04M30S


This song seriously makes me cry everytime haha as corny as that sounds.  A lot of the songs on I Live For Me are feisty or bitchy but this one is actually about fear, about acceptance, and about peace. This is for life, you don’t wake up one day and it’s gone. It doesn’t define who you are but it does stay with you.

It’s also about accepting that at the end of the day, while the actual situation may be different right now, neither of us are at fault for some parts of how things became what they were. 

It’s also about my fears for this in the future. When I go literally means will you be here before I die. It was more initial fears when first finding out but, were living in the day where this isn’t a death sentence. But for a long time after everything went down I wasn’t on treatment and I went trough a long period of addiction. Which I’m not proud of, but I’m not ashamed about and I got help. 

When he left that for Europe I had no idea what was coming after. We kissed like I’d see him when I came back, I never saw him again. And having this has been so much of a trial living alone in Taiwan: I’ve had to do it myself alone all the time. I didn’t see my family after finding out for two years.

☊ HELP ME

CAIFA1800007


Help me is about just hitting rock bottom. Just being done with everything and finally realizing like, you need to get help. I’m so used to being alone like as a person, not that I’m super antisocial but I have a small group of like friends. My hometown friends like we don’t stay in touch much since I left Newfoundland for Japan like a decade ago. But I’ve been blessed enough to have friends now from all over the world literally and who have supported me and kept in touch. Deanne, Mika, Sandra, like without you guys I don’t even know where I would be.

After separating for almost two years I stayed at my apartment and didn’t see any of my friends, I didn’t even have people over I literally isolated myself, and obsessed about the marriage. I wept over that and became so fixated on trying everything to save it and beating myself up over it, and that’s when like the addiction started, also the album writing and recording and mixing. That wasn’t a healthy spot in my life obviously but it was finishing this album and recording this album that still pulls me through things. It was just like being isolated and alone for that long living with this, that took such a toll on me.


Yesterday I knelt down 
to fold my hands and pray
I was feeling so helpless 
I couldn’t erase the pain 
I don’t know anymore where to look 
where to go where is home?

Can you help me
I’ve been broken and beat down and 
Fallen into the ground
Can you help me
I don’t think that I’m ever
Gonna come back down

I’m afraid that I’m loosing 
Everything I’m afraid to lose control
Can you hear me I’m screaming
Louder admit and I know that I was wrong

Things are getting outta control so quickly 
I’m not like I used to be when I was healthy 
I’m afraid that I’m fighting a battle
That I can’t possibly win
Please don’t tell me it’s too late
That I’ll never sing again

Don’t tell me that’s it’s too late
I’m afraid I’ll never ever love again oh

Can you help me?
I’ve been broken and beat down and 
Fallen to the ground 
Can you help me?
I don’t think that I’m ever
Gonna come back down
I’m afraid that I’m loosing 
Everything I’m afraid to lose control
Can you hear me I’m screaming
Louder admit and I know that I was wrong

Breathe in
Breath out
I’m still screaming

Can you help me?
I’ve been broken and beat down and 
Fallen to the ground 
Can you help me?
I don’t think that I’m ever
Gonna come back down

I’m afraid that I’m loosing 
Everything I’m afraid to lose control
Can you hear me I’m screaming
Louder admit and I know that I was wrong


☊ DON’T WANNA SAY GOODBYE

CAIFA1800022

This one just some lyrics have been switched up obviously, the last bridge mainly. It was quite ironic actually, you’d think after all that happened Id be the one making some kind of dramatic exit. But no. Actually this should preclude into Victim. Because that’s exactly what he played and continues to do. Apparently he no longer has HIV, according to his old as f 新男Toy。

On the flight to Europe, he left his wedding ring on the plane seat. And then proceeded to tell me about it and try and get me to chase him around for weeks after. People say sometimes like, just get over it. I have made peace with it. 

But what you don’t understand is the memory is one thing, the disease is another, and the album as well. How I chose to deal with it is probably different and expressions through music are kind of risky when you think about it because they last forever essentially. I used to be ashamed to even utter the word. Too much had happened and there was too much to tell. I’d been threatened by the same family that I lived with for telling truths. But I’m not one to keep my mouth shut and I never will be. For what? For him? I’ll never compromise anything ever in my life again for him. 

The last Lines are like, thank you for the things you do, and it’s sad to say, but I’m finally moving on. Because it was sad, I really wanted to try everything I could do to keep holding on to that. I don’t even understand why now because I would have either wound up dead or doing it myself. The man broke my tooth for taking his keys to drive home drunk. He thinks it’s hilarious. 

So thank you W. Thank you for all the efforts you made to support me by throwing cash at me so you could throw more at some little underaged kids and think I’d be okay with it. Keep on playing the victim and keep on being that social butterfly who everyone believes could never be possibly capable of the things you put me through. Hope that works for you in the long term and you’re able to sleep at night. Get back to me when Karma comes.

☊ BLAME

Kesen/Freek Van Workum
CAIFA1800006

03:32

I don’t even know what I was thinking with this one, lol. It was more midway between vengeful as fuck, and getting over it. You know how you tell yourself you over it, but you’ve just really made the transition from angry to sad to like, I’m better then you and karma comes around, but I still feel for you? That kinda mix.

It’s like, well not it was like it was, him telling me HOW to get over him. Pretending it was my fault, and making me repent for things that didn’t even matter. Pretending like I had some chance of him coming back if I just performed a miracle in like one week and changed every fibre of who I am. The stupidest part is that I did try. But no matter how hard you do try you only make change for yourself. Not that it was positive change for me as a person anyways but, it’s not happening because you don’t fit someone’s ideals. And Fuck that.
Time stopped 
For a moment 
Another one began

The space between truth and lie
Had been Stretched too thin

Had me wondering how you could 
Sleep through the night in peace
While you’d haunt me even in my dreams

Never found a reason why you went away
These days I never seem to care

I don’t understand you
I will not blame you
I chose to love you
Like a fool

Stop- for a moment 
One can only wonder
If a heart is pulsing 
Underneath your skin

I’ve been breaking down these walls
And found a place that I’m
Comfortable in my own skin

You laughed all the dreams I had
And turned them into sin
Never thought I’d have the strength to say

I don’t understand you
I will not blame you
I chose to love you
Like a fool 

I forgive you
I don’t blame you 
Time will fix you 
Time will fix you

I loved you
You loved you
Time will fix you
Time will fix you 

☊ TOUGH LOVE

Kesen/Freek Van Workum

CAIFA1800023
PT00H03M35S

Like I seriously love all his work really, the emotion in all his track are like, so heavy haha. This one just like sounded so western to me and I really was into it from the start so it was quick write and a fun song honestly.

☊ TOO YOUNG

CAIFA1800020

Too young is one of those, raw first takes. That instrumental tho is actualky so freaking difficult and I haven’t finished the intro because I don’t even know what I’d need to smoke to have enough vision for the opening verse lol. Okay not super funny but that was like a week or two after seperating and I was a fucking Awlful mess. Like literally sitting at my table smoking and crying and snuggling my cats to sleep.

Too Young for me is just kind of like, it’s nothing complicated, it’s simple but it’s true. The lyrics have changed somewhat compared to this demo but still retain the same message.

We use that excuse a lot hey? People get married to young don’t know what they want, like it’s perfectly normal to have a sample or a trial before engaging in the real thing. I agree no one can be blamed, by the failure of my marriage was like, maybe I held in too hard. What he did went against like everything I thought a marriage was, what I assumed I could also have and what I didn’t know would be subject to his rule bending 24/7. There’s something lost when that tarnished and ended. I had an image of marriage, it’s not the same anymore and the image before seems so unobtainable. Honestly.

☊ MOGUI

Kesen/Jean-Michel Kovacs
CAIFA1800008
Mogui is kind of just like, a fun poppy gay single lol. Obviously, a lot of the songs are like directed at what’s happened to me personally so some lyrics I’ve had to re-write so it’s not just like, completely unrelateable to everybody. Although it was really important to me to keep like the core meanings of what I’d written. Anyways the new version sounds better lol.

☊ ALL IN A MOMENT

CAIFA1800019

☊ FREE TO GO

Kesen/MelonNights Music

CAIFA1800009

Free to go is basically about the moment that I just gave up really. When it was just about throwing in the towel, and the sadness that came with that. Also the fact that me holding him back from like living this destructive lifestyle was essentially equates to him being in some kind of prison. Sure. It was also when I realized you can’t change someone no matter how much you want to help them, you can’t unless they want to help themselves. And when you get in the way of a sex addicts desires like, you become the enemy in their eyes because you essentially become a cockblock. And if your on a marriage and your a cockblock what kind of status do you really have as a husband in their eyes? Like no your less then dirt. And that’s sad that we arrived at that place but we did. So you’re free to go bud.

☊ UNOBTAINABLE

CAIFA1800013
You made me out so addicted. Like it was abnormal for someone to be concerned about you. But I actually did care too much, like it consumed me so much and it was so exhausting. And the truth was, you’d never come back and maybe that happened for a reason.  At least I don’t have the anxiety from “caring” anymore. So thanks.

☊ AGAINST THE WALL

Kesen

CAIFA1800016

Is it messing with your head my baby? Don’t let it get don’t let it get you crazy, or throw your head against the wall cause you know there gonna get you now lol. This track is just like, after I realized I can’t actually do shit and that all these fake smiles and fake I love you’s and shit we’re just covering up so much behind my back like I was an absolute fool- I just had enough and that’s basically what this song is about. Like go hookup with this guy all night long that’s fine.

 I realized at that point it wasn’t me, it’s like someone who wants to keep a marriage but have all these sex partners and additional boyfriends on the side, and then treat you better when they see you because they’re getting the “best of both worlds” in their eyes, like that kind of person is so fucked up. 

ISRC 2018

CAIFA1800001 I Live For me
CAIFA1800002 San Er Yi
CAIFA1800003 The Things You Do
CAIFA1800004 Victim
CAIFA1800005 When I Go
CAIFA1800006 Blame
CAIFA1800007 Help Me
CAIFA1800008 Mogui
CAIFA1800009 Free To Go
CAIFA1800010 Love Made Me Do It
CAIFA1800011 All The Other Things
CAIFA1800011 Deadbeat
CAIFA1800012 Ghost
CAIFA1800013 Unobtainable 
CAIFA1800014 Ain’t Thinking Bout Cha
CAIFA1800015 Dirty Lies 
CAIFA1800016 Against The Wall
CAIFA1800017 Different Kind Of Love 
CAIFA1800018 IH8U
CAIFA1800019 All In A Moment 
CAIFA1800020 Too Young
CAIFA1800021 Insecure
CAIFA1800022 Goodbye
CAIFA1800023 Tough Love
CAIFA1800024 That Boy 
CAIFA1800025 River